thieving on time

What do you do after your 4As, two S paper distinctions and A1 for GP? Apply for a scholarship perhaps, President, SAF, PSC, firefly, DBS. Go overseas. 4 years degree. 2 years masters. Come back to serve your bond at some ministry with the job scope that involves prolonged stays out of Singapore. Like some sort of high class refugee with a 200000 – 300000 annual income. Work your way up the hierarchy – 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s. One should live life without regrets.

But what I regret about my life so far isn't the 2 A1s I didn't get at o levels, nor is it the 1st place we didn't clinch for cheerleading. Instead, I regret the photos that I didn't take during huang cheng, the primary school friends I’ve forgotten, memories too far back to remember, and incomplete farewells.

No, the PSC scholarship talk didn't inspire me to work towards the top. It instead reminded me of the people I would be leaving behind. Those people who might become one of my many regrets ten years from now, when I cease to be able differentiate between one from another, when the subtle intonations of their voices merge and chorus into one barrage of loss.

12 years of study, 18 years of people, 2 years of you. I guess this is the theory of opportunity cost. But which is the greater? Throw away 12 years of study for the people I love, or the other way round? I am so tired of having to make decisions. How can we measure human beings with economic models?

Why must there be a trade-off? Yet at least where you are concerned there must. To do otherwise would be selfish. Man is innately selfish. Egotistical hedonism. But there is no greater guilt than to deprive someone else of life's chances. Life is abundant, and no man should have the right to make another stand still in the journey of time. Time waits for no man. Man shouldn't need to wait for time, or another man.

I hate wishy-washiness. Either a clean cut or no cut at all. The agony of execution is greatest mid-stroke. Spare us that. I sacrifice or we sacrifice. If only time and space can be crucified.

Pardon my hypothetical nihilism. Rationalisation is a great anaesthetic for pain.




Still, thank you for your offer.