It's as if I don't deserve it.
Well, maybe I don't after all.
Happiness grows and sprouts wings.
The sky's all yours - you are free to go anytime.
当一阵风吹来，吹散了当年的回忆，我会学会知足。
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Blogging therapy
Dearest blog,
Go and die.
I would like to strangle your flimsy little neck, twist it from its root and dump it into a bottle of vinegar for future reference.
You have made me into the cynic that I am today. Whinny-ninnies who turn up their noses at all signs of weakness and dependence. The worst kind of hypocrite there is. And it’s all your fault. You, you, you.
(this is not turning out as well as expected)
I am aghast at how much I have trusted you, all the times I have published my soul, put my emotional universe into your hands, all this, all of the most personal, tainted nuances of my mind, all this at the risk of getting my eardrums shattered by ghoulish laughter.
You’ve played with me. Admit it. Or I will stuff admission into your mouth.
I abhor your delusion. I hate your truths. Give me a rose tinted world if you want, I am all game. But for goodness sake, don’t rip it into pieces just before the moment of revelation. They don’t kill their warriors before Ragnarok, the world doesn’t, shouldn’t work that way. Give me hell, rather than a frayed heaven – for you to shred before my very eyes.
I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care. I don’t care if I sound unsound right now. A silent world has no frequencies to penetrate this vacuum of self pity.
Now wasn’t that just brilliant! I love this shadow play of words. Flitting images that disappear as soon as they take on some sort of tangibility. Now you see it, now you don’t. How nice it would be to catch the whole world in a butterfly net, put it in a pretty little glass bottle, and take it out for admiration any time you wish. What an impressive display it would be, to have the world in your very own glass bottle. How your friends will gape at your power, how they will die to be in your place. I wonder if the world needs breathing holes?
But wait, that wasn’t my point. You have put me at the edge of a cliff and I don’t like it. No, I don’t like it at all. The wind is blowing from behind, strongly, like an angry force. I don’t like getting pushed around, especially when I am standing at the edge of a cliff, with a sheer drop of history right before me. History should be behind, not right in front. Falling into history is dangerous, and there’s no fence. Stop it, stop pushing me. I am going to fall.
Why can’t I accept candy bars from strangers anymore? Heck, why can’t I accept candy bars from you without first looking at the expiry date on the wrapper? When is OUR expiry date?
I detest it when you put words into my mouth. The night, the atmosphere, everything is so right it’s wrong. I can’t help but let imagination run its marathon towards the finish line. Yes, we have reached the finish line, the crowds are cheering and clapping, the trophy’s in our hands. Now what?
Don’t stare. I am immune now. And don’t give me that look. I have seen it many times. I see it every time you make me dance and sing to your command like some puppet in a third rate theatre. Go away go away. Leave me to make your mistakes. You can have your way with me when it’s all over.
Why is it so difficult to accept acceptance? I am ludicrous. This whole thing is ludicrous. Is it my turn to laugh? Cue me.
The whole problem stems from the fact that there are choices. Eradicate choice and there would be no second guessing. No heaven or hell. Without OTHER, ALL would be truth. It’s like 1984, without knowledge of freedom, freedom would cease to exist.
Where would you and I be then? What would you choose without choice?
I am sorry. Its such a clear yes that I begin to suspect if it’s a no. But it’s alright, I have my nos now. Thanks for being there for me to insult and mutilate. This whole thing has been an education. Moderation is definitely overrated. Extremities bring out the best of hate and love. Yep, that is all. I don’t hate you, really. I just love you too much to tell you so.
Bye.
Apologetically,
Jiching.
Go and die.
I would like to strangle your flimsy little neck, twist it from its root and dump it into a bottle of vinegar for future reference.
You have made me into the cynic that I am today. Whinny-ninnies who turn up their noses at all signs of weakness and dependence. The worst kind of hypocrite there is. And it’s all your fault. You, you, you.
(this is not turning out as well as expected)
I am aghast at how much I have trusted you, all the times I have published my soul, put my emotional universe into your hands, all this, all of the most personal, tainted nuances of my mind, all this at the risk of getting my eardrums shattered by ghoulish laughter.
You’ve played with me. Admit it. Or I will stuff admission into your mouth.
I abhor your delusion. I hate your truths. Give me a rose tinted world if you want, I am all game. But for goodness sake, don’t rip it into pieces just before the moment of revelation. They don’t kill their warriors before Ragnarok, the world doesn’t, shouldn’t work that way. Give me hell, rather than a frayed heaven – for you to shred before my very eyes.
I don’t care I don’t care I don’t care. I don’t care if I sound unsound right now. A silent world has no frequencies to penetrate this vacuum of self pity.
Now wasn’t that just brilliant! I love this shadow play of words. Flitting images that disappear as soon as they take on some sort of tangibility. Now you see it, now you don’t. How nice it would be to catch the whole world in a butterfly net, put it in a pretty little glass bottle, and take it out for admiration any time you wish. What an impressive display it would be, to have the world in your very own glass bottle. How your friends will gape at your power, how they will die to be in your place. I wonder if the world needs breathing holes?
But wait, that wasn’t my point. You have put me at the edge of a cliff and I don’t like it. No, I don’t like it at all. The wind is blowing from behind, strongly, like an angry force. I don’t like getting pushed around, especially when I am standing at the edge of a cliff, with a sheer drop of history right before me. History should be behind, not right in front. Falling into history is dangerous, and there’s no fence. Stop it, stop pushing me. I am going to fall.
Why can’t I accept candy bars from strangers anymore? Heck, why can’t I accept candy bars from you without first looking at the expiry date on the wrapper? When is OUR expiry date?
I detest it when you put words into my mouth. The night, the atmosphere, everything is so right it’s wrong. I can’t help but let imagination run its marathon towards the finish line. Yes, we have reached the finish line, the crowds are cheering and clapping, the trophy’s in our hands. Now what?
Don’t stare. I am immune now. And don’t give me that look. I have seen it many times. I see it every time you make me dance and sing to your command like some puppet in a third rate theatre. Go away go away. Leave me to make your mistakes. You can have your way with me when it’s all over.
Why is it so difficult to accept acceptance? I am ludicrous. This whole thing is ludicrous. Is it my turn to laugh? Cue me.
The whole problem stems from the fact that there are choices. Eradicate choice and there would be no second guessing. No heaven or hell. Without OTHER, ALL would be truth. It’s like 1984, without knowledge of freedom, freedom would cease to exist.
Where would you and I be then? What would you choose without choice?
I am sorry. Its such a clear yes that I begin to suspect if it’s a no. But it’s alright, I have my nos now. Thanks for being there for me to insult and mutilate. This whole thing has been an education. Moderation is definitely overrated. Extremities bring out the best of hate and love. Yep, that is all. I don’t hate you, really. I just love you too much to tell you so.
Bye.
Apologetically,
Jiching.
Friday, November 11, 2005
this is not a noose.
stage anarchy. NEVER.
i refuse to succumb to such weakness.
too vulgar too coarse too inclined to infirmity.
victims are only victims by choice.
your steps are quicksand, history to be quarantined.
remind me when i forget.
i refuse to succumb to such weakness.
too vulgar too coarse too inclined to infirmity.
victims are only victims by choice.
your steps are quicksand, history to be quarantined.
remind me when i forget.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
bored, the sequel.
Another survey ripped off from ame. (just to prove the extent of my depravation.)
1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Some lucky kid.
2.Where was your first kiss? On the mouth. (kidding!!)
3.Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? No, unless getting into my dad’s way when he’s pruning himself in the mirror counts. (vandalism of reflection?)
4.Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Only out of necessity of course.
5.Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? *As part of our glorious land, sharing her spreading fame….*
6.What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? PREFERRED sex?!! ER eyes. Cos it includes both sexes. I believe in equality.
7.What really turns you on? Electricity.
8.What do you order at Starbucks? Coffee.
9.What is your biggest mistake? Not knowing mine.
10.Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Gym motto: ‘Pain is temporary, pride is forever.’
11.Say something totally random about yourself. I prefer white mice to black.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? You insult me.
13.Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, KIDDIE!!!!!??
14.Did you have braces? No. I support myself very well thank you.
15.Are you comfortable with your height? When I am around ame, yes definitely.
16.What is the sweetest thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Hah! As if I am gonna tell you! Be original… kid!
17.When do you know it's love? When your world goes Picasso.
18.Do you speak any other languages? Chinese, marginally.
19.Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Ugly tanlines explain all.
20.What magazines do you read? The economist! (cover page)
21.Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yep. Knocked my head into the metal clothes dryer. Not one of my most glorious moments I admit.
22.Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Of course. Fodder for niaoing.
1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Some lucky kid.
2.Where was your first kiss? On the mouth. (kidding!!)
3.Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? No, unless getting into my dad’s way when he’s pruning himself in the mirror counts. (vandalism of reflection?)
4.Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Only out of necessity of course.
5.Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? *As part of our glorious land, sharing her spreading fame….*
6.What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? PREFERRED sex?!! ER eyes. Cos it includes both sexes. I believe in equality.
7.What really turns you on? Electricity.
8.What do you order at Starbucks? Coffee.
9.What is your biggest mistake? Not knowing mine.
10.Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Gym motto: ‘Pain is temporary, pride is forever.’
11.Say something totally random about yourself. I prefer white mice to black.
12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? You insult me.
13.Do you still watch kiddie movies or tv shows? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, KIDDIE!!!!!??
14.Did you have braces? No. I support myself very well thank you.
15.Are you comfortable with your height? When I am around ame, yes definitely.
16.What is the sweetest thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Hah! As if I am gonna tell you! Be original… kid!
17.When do you know it's love? When your world goes Picasso.
18.Do you speak any other languages? Chinese, marginally.
19.Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Ugly tanlines explain all.
20.What magazines do you read? The economist! (cover page)
21.Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yep. Knocked my head into the metal clothes dryer. Not one of my most glorious moments I admit.
22.Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Of course. Fodder for niaoing.
bored.
Surveys are for deprived people who have nothing to do with their lives. They are also done for the purposes of revenge. Nothing less than pure vindictiveness and egotism spurns people to do surveys. In order to live up to all that, here's one. (ps: some numbers are skipped. but ah well, don't take math, so cannot count.)
1. whose picture is it that you keep on your wallet? Aragorn!
2. what time do you go to bed? no bed. Sleep on mattress.
3. what was the last thing you did before filling this survey? gave ame a crushing setdown for her unsatisfactory answers in this survey.
4. who's the one you always meet the most? willingly: clique
Unwillingly: my insufferable brother.
5. who's the person you're gonna call if you need help? the psychiatrist
6. what's on your mind right now? (:
8.with whom do you wanna be to have fun? ’long lost’ rj friends. *raise eyebrows* CLIQUE OUTING?!!!
9. what movie do u wanna watch now? harry potter and the goblet of fire.
Narnia.
10. when was the last time you went out? yesterday.
11. what do you hate the most for now? the lassitude of time.
12. when was the first time you slept alone? when my mom tired of me.
13. what do you wanna do for now? outlive answer 11.
14. what do you do everyday besides eat and sleep? pause for breaths.
15. fave pet? shadowfax.
17. colors that make you happy? Colours I see when I am. We see only what we want to see.
19. what was the last thing you bought for your room? dust and cockroaches.
21. do you cook? instant noodles, mash potatoes, egg, burnt rice.
22. miss someone? inevitably.
23. plan to buy something? we live in a mercenary world.
24. are you satisfied with your life now? How could I not? But it will get better. (:
25.do you like seafood? See? Food! *grin* Yes.
26. breakfast or dinner? don’t eat breakfast. Binge on dinner.
27. what do you usually eat for breakfast? don’t eat breakfast!!!
28. did you eat breakfast today? (#$#*&$^#&$
29. do you recycle? when I feel an inexplicable pity for mother earth.
30. do you have a laptop? yeah. Its on my table though.
31. what's your favorite fast food? subway, mos. Used to be macs, but pheywa scared me.
32. cats or dogs? dogs. Cats yawn too much.
33. salty or sweet? sour.
34. city or country? when you live in Singapore, its no difference. City – Singapore, Country - Singapore
35. what's your favorite kind of jeans? those that fit.
36. Is kissing normal for your age? How would I know? I am far too young.
37. are you athletic? that was a thing of the past.
38. do you swear? WTH! Of course not!
39. would you ditch your friends for a date? no. I’ll bring them along. xP
42. ever had a crush on a teacher? textbooks and romance just don't seem to go together.
43. coke or pepsi? and the point of this question is….?
44. sugar or spice? all things nice.
45. can you use chopsticks? can't you see! I am yellow!
46. do you like to read for pleasure? No of course not. I read to decipher the meaning of life.
47. do you care about getting good grades? at the point of revelation- and then I forget all about it.
48. have you ever fallen asleep in class? Zzzzzzz
49. get a job or ask your parents for money? both. Double source of income.
50. is your dad strict? hardly.
51. do your parents give you enough privacy? so much so that I invade theirs.
52. do your parents trust you? mostly.
53. would you trade places (in life) with your best friends..? *thinks of my best friends* NO! NEVER!
54. does your best friend get on your nerves? ame does. Linette doesn’t. xP (revenge!!!)
55. do you make friends quickly? nope. Generally reserved.
56. do you get jealous of your friends? at the start of every month when they get their pocket money.
57. do you tell your mom everything? well, yeah.
58. what do you & your parents fight about the most? who’s turn it is to psycho my brother.
1. whose picture is it that you keep on your wallet? Aragorn!
2. what time do you go to bed? no bed. Sleep on mattress.
3. what was the last thing you did before filling this survey? gave ame a crushing setdown for her unsatisfactory answers in this survey.
4. who's the one you always meet the most? willingly: clique
Unwillingly: my insufferable brother.
5. who's the person you're gonna call if you need help? the psychiatrist
6. what's on your mind right now? (:
8.with whom do you wanna be to have fun? ’long lost’ rj friends. *raise eyebrows* CLIQUE OUTING?!!!
9. what movie do u wanna watch now? harry potter and the goblet of fire.
Narnia.
10. when was the last time you went out? yesterday.
11. what do you hate the most for now? the lassitude of time.
12. when was the first time you slept alone? when my mom tired of me.
13. what do you wanna do for now? outlive answer 11.
14. what do you do everyday besides eat and sleep? pause for breaths.
15. fave pet? shadowfax.
17. colors that make you happy? Colours I see when I am. We see only what we want to see.
19. what was the last thing you bought for your room? dust and cockroaches.
21. do you cook? instant noodles, mash potatoes, egg, burnt rice.
22. miss someone? inevitably.
23. plan to buy something? we live in a mercenary world.
24. are you satisfied with your life now? How could I not? But it will get better. (:
25.do you like seafood? See? Food! *grin* Yes.
26. breakfast or dinner? don’t eat breakfast. Binge on dinner.
27. what do you usually eat for breakfast? don’t eat breakfast!!!
28. did you eat breakfast today? (#$#*&$^#&$
29. do you recycle? when I feel an inexplicable pity for mother earth.
30. do you have a laptop? yeah. Its on my table though.
31. what's your favorite fast food? subway, mos. Used to be macs, but pheywa scared me.
32. cats or dogs? dogs. Cats yawn too much.
33. salty or sweet? sour.
34. city or country? when you live in Singapore, its no difference. City – Singapore, Country - Singapore
35. what's your favorite kind of jeans? those that fit.
36. Is kissing normal for your age? How would I know? I am far too young.
37. are you athletic? that was a thing of the past.
38. do you swear? WTH! Of course not!
39. would you ditch your friends for a date? no. I’ll bring them along. xP
42. ever had a crush on a teacher? textbooks and romance just don't seem to go together.
43. coke or pepsi? and the point of this question is….?
44. sugar or spice? all things nice.
45. can you use chopsticks? can't you see! I am yellow!
46. do you like to read for pleasure? No of course not. I read to decipher the meaning of life.
47. do you care about getting good grades? at the point of revelation- and then I forget all about it.
48. have you ever fallen asleep in class? Zzzzzzz
49. get a job or ask your parents for money? both. Double source of income.
50. is your dad strict? hardly.
51. do your parents give you enough privacy? so much so that I invade theirs.
52. do your parents trust you? mostly.
53. would you trade places (in life) with your best friends..? *thinks of my best friends* NO! NEVER!
54. does your best friend get on your nerves? ame does. Linette doesn’t. xP (revenge!!!)
55. do you make friends quickly? nope. Generally reserved.
56. do you get jealous of your friends? at the start of every month when they get their pocket money.
57. do you tell your mom everything? well, yeah.
58. what do you & your parents fight about the most? who’s turn it is to psycho my brother.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
旅途
‘我将眼泪流成天山上面的湖
让你疲倦时能够扎营停驻
羌笛声胡旋舞为你笑为你哭
爱上你的全部放弃我的全部
爱上了你之后我开始领悟
陪你走了一段最唯美的国度
爱上了你之后我从来不哭
谁是谁的幸福
我从来不在乎
谁是谁的旅途
我只要你记住' -梁静如，丝路
I hear the leaves rustling
Like endless sighs that reverberate
Round and round- the congregation of the night.
The trees, with bowed heads they luxuriate
Yesterdays that scream, fall like pellets they fall
Chasing injury.
One volley, two, Again, the sighs.
Repetition, always repetition.
Ripping through my war torn hair
Frame and framed, inner and outer
Flout flouter, incision incising
Winds it way, wends its path
Through no man’s land
Down down to oblivion.
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