i want to die

I need things to make me happy too. Never have I felt so alone.
I am so sorry. about what? My intellectual incapacity. I DON”T KNOW. Maybe I just can’t.
Maybe I am just a useless piece of shit.

I don’t know what to say don’t know what to feel. Do I apologise? I can’t apologise when I have stuck out nights for this. I know its important. But god dammit I tried I tried I TRIED. It wasn’t enough for you. I wasn’t enough for you. What do you want from me? I don’t know how to give you what you want to see. I am lacking I know. Maybe I didn’t work hard enough, maybe I wasn’t alert enough, maybe I was just never cut out for it in the first place. Don’t know what went wrong. Maybe we were never right in the first place. Maybe I was never in the right place. Well then. Comfort me reassure me step on me. Leave me. You won’t have to see so much shit anymore then. I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry? I don’t know how to say this. (do I have to say this?)

I feel cold. No one to tell me to put my blankets on. Maybe I shan’t sleep tonight. I feel like looking out my window. Letting the wind in. Its time I felt some wind. It might dry the tears. The tears of my own naiveté. To believe in my own importance.

Mom says she’s gonna give me a birthday treat tmr. Another year, passed the same way.