I wonder how I can lapse into this state of total immobility for so long and yet not feel compelled to do anything about it. I know I have many things to do, many appointments to make, many people to reconnect with. Yet all of these draw a blank as soon as free time comes in. All my energies are channeled into idle waiting. Sitting in front of my lap top, staring blankly as people come and go on msn, saying the occasional polite hi and lapsing into the usual enthused teasing that is so much a part of me my subconscious mind takes over. I try to smile as hahas and smileys fill the screen, hating myself more and more with each enter key. ‘Hi hello how are you.’ ‘yep, bye, see you later’ There is no joy in this. You have not come.

What am I waiting for? A beep or flash from a battered phone? Your msn nick to flash on a screen plastered with old fingerprints? No hint of glamour, no champagne and stars, no blue moon over glimmering waters on a starry night – just me waiting. And you.

Is there anything more pathetic than this?


sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.
maybe if i keep doing this i'll feel a little happier,
and forget how childish i have become.

there's always another day.
with or without you.

with or without me.