Seclusion might not be such a bad idea after all. I am desperately in need of time to mug, and think –I have a hell lot to think about. I have put myself on a hiatus since January, and now all the layers are starting to crumble. Urgh. Think of all the cleaning up I have got to do after that. But anyway, I guess its time to take a step back and observe the fray from a different point of view,(since I can’t even get my own right in the first place) and figure out my own place from there? It’s difficult to chart a course through unmapped terrain, but OH WELL, I need to stop feeling that I am pushing another person off the boat just as I attempt to save the one in the water. Yes, and really, the whole point of putting this up is because I want to apologize for things I don't know whether I have done (in my more complacent moments I suspect I have), but it's still my fault nonetheless. The reason why I haven’t gone up to you and said sorry is not because of lack of courage, but because I don't know whether you are even hurt. (Okay, so that means I am too cowardly to ask if you are.) But anyway, you MUST know that it was all un-intentioned, and I don't want you to feel that I have been capitalizing on you or anything, and that this whole situation is all because I am teeter tottering on a border that doesn't even provide stable footholds. But then again, the whole chunk is based on a lot of assumptions, so tell me if I go off track, or let me embarrass myself further, whatever it is. Urgh. This whole thing feels like a feeble excuse to explain myself, if only I can get myself clear enough to explain! But yes, for better or worse, I need to get myself figured out first. I don't know HOW, but at least I am going to try. Where is the deux ex machinas when you need one? I can't script my own life properly, not when i am compelled to yell "exeunt!" at audiences half the time.